Just wanted to see if any of you know of a place that offers info and/or support to kids who have lost a parent to suicude? As some of you already know I have took on watching a friends boys(4&8) who lost their dad in Sept. to suicide. They really seem to be having a hard time with it, well the older one mostly. I asked his mom if she thought about having him talk to someone and she said she didnt know of any place around, also they were told it was a hunting accident. Every once in a while he will pop up with something about it and I guess I just want to make sure im saying the right things, I have never had to deal with the loss of a close loved one so im a little unsure about how to approach the topic with a child. Thanks for any info.
Love~Nicole
wow. What a sad situation.Nicole, In Australia we have a breavement program called "Seasons". Commonly run by catholic organisations/schools but it is not religious based. From memory it was based on a U.S program. Maybe a google search will bring it up.
Highly recommended program - it usually runs for about 10 weeks and deals with loss in many shapes and forms (suicide, car accidents, divorce).
Mysh
They definitely need to get into a psychologist who is experienced in both pediatrics AND bereavement. A grief group/bereavement group would be beneficial as well so that they can see they are not alone.
It is a very difficult thing with suicide - I'm not sure what the right answers are. When they are so young, I certainly understand that they've been told that dad died in a hunting accident. But, be forewarned that the secret will come out eventually - most likely by some well-meaning person who didn't know the kids haven't been told.
If the kids believe in God, you can always go with the line that their dad is in Heaven watching down on them and that we don't always understand why God does what he does. That someday we will, but right now it is VERY hard to deal with. I think it's always good to help the child express their feelings - as long as that's okay with the mom. Maybe have them draw pictures of how they are feeling or write it down as well (for the 8 year old). Maybe talk to the mom and ask if that's okay - and maybe what he writes/draws is something that he keeps at your house or in a safe place and he doesn't have to show his mom. He can if he wants to, but often kids don't know how to tell the parent that is left what is wrong and so they just bottle it in. The one person that is safe (the remaining parent) is the one person they really can't talk to - they both need a safe place to talk where they can let out their frustrations. A psychologist is one person they should DEFINITELY let out their feelings to - but feelings don't happen just once a week! Hopefully, the psych will teach them skills to use throughout the week - but in the beginning that will be hard. It would be helpful if the mom would share what the psych is working on with them since you will be watching them and therefore, consistency is important in what is being said.
I'm so sorry for those poor boys and the mom too! You're doing an awesome thing!
What part of the country are you in - in other words, what state? If you don't mind sharing - or you can PM me. I can try to look up some places online for you![QUOTE=Pangle-n-Grace]Every once in a while he will pop up with something about it and I guess I just want to make sure im saying the right things, I have never had to deal with the loss of a close loved one so im a little unsure about how to approach the topic with a child. Thanks for any info.[/QUOTE]
Pangle, you're doing a great deal to help simply by truly listening and "hearing" what the children are saying, and simply allowing them the space to say what they need to. That goes a very long way, particularly when their mother is caught up in her own questions and grief and may not be able to completely respond to what they are saying or needing.
Having dealt with the loss of my eldest's father to a drunk driver when she was three, I'll second, third, and fourth the suggestions that the children (and Mom) get into some grief counseling. An alternative to those already listed would be to contact some of the local churches. Many churches can point you to a list of grief counselors that would be appropriate for both the children and Mom, not because of their religious beliefs, but because they come into contact with that issue on a constant basis.
Loss of a parent and the grief it entails is a cyclical process and it continually crops back up as the children develop, so it is something that will need to be addressed repeatedly and appropriately for the developmental stage the child is in. Although I understand the kindness meant by telling the children the father was killed in a hunting accident, as other posters have stated the truth will eventually out, and then there will be additional issues of anger about being lied to that will need to be addressed. If listened to, the child will indicate by their questions how much they are able to understand and handle. As they get older and ask more detailed questions, those can be answered appropriately. The one thing that can consistently be stressed is that it was not their fault. Children often internalize everything as revolving around them, and wonder what they did to create the situation, and how they could change it.
My daughter is a teenager now, and we have dealt numerous times over the years with how and why her father died, and her fear that I would also. At age 10, she requested to write a letter to the man who killed her father and did so, and it was sent. This past year, she read the various pleadings and trial transcript of his hearings, and was able to read the victim's statement that I read to the court. At earlier ages, it would have been too much information, but as it's been given to her when she's asked, she's led the way in determining what she could handle. Each time, she has been given more and more information and I have always taken the approach that "as long as it is within MY control, I will always be there for her." None (or at least the majority of us) can't control how, when or where we will die, but it is inevitable that we will, so I see no point in telling her that it will never happen, but I could offer (and still do when necessary) the reassurance that as long as I have something to say about it, I would still be there.
If someone truly listens to the boys and what they are saying/asking, they will indicate by their questions just how much they need to know for now.
Definetly get them in to see a pyschologist that deals in suicide and breavement we are going through the same thing with one of the people that was really close to our family. He committed suicide last week and left behind three girls from his first marriage, a second wife that is 6 months pregnant and her two kids. The churchs in their area also have kids groups that deal specifically with death and making sure that they understand that accidents happen. Would definetly try and get them in with a recommened pyschologist though first.
This is so sad. When I was younger, in high school, my Mom tried to kill herself. She was having a really hard time trying to clean herself up from a Crystal Meth addiction. This was one of the hardest times in my life. I had a very hard time dealing with it all and I went totally out of control. I hate to bring this up but since I am hiding behind a computer, its easier to talk about...but I also wound up pregnant, I was only 16. Looking back, I am not surprised about the pregnancy. I had NO parenting what so ever. Everything I learned, I learned on my own. I couldnt keep the pregnancy, afterall my Mom was in the hospital for her issues and I couldnt imagine telling her something like that at the time. Besides, I was a stupid kid myself with no direction or support.
I needed to talk to someone. I ended up in the office of my Mom's therapist. I taked to his wife of all people. She was the sweetest lady I had ever come across. I just cried all over her. She was amazing.
Those poor kids need to talk, to anyone that will make them feel safe and understood. I wish them the best of luck. Things like this should not happen to children, but sadly, it does. If they dont let it destroy them, it will make them a stronger person...they just need to be pointed in the right direction.
snoopy im in east TN
Also I did the whole he is in heaven thing, I am a believer in that tho they dont go to church he said thats what everyone says. Also did the whole if you ever need anyone to talk to.....he finds strange ways to bring up little things that make me think this poor kid is really having a hard time,like the other day I was driving and he was sniffing I asked if he needed a tissue to blow his nose,(hes been sick for a while) he said no,i asked if he was ever going to get over this cold and he said I know whay im always sick, b/c I miss my dad so much it makes me sick on the inside, I dont think i'll ever get better. Woah~I said I was sorry, I know its hard and hard to understand, he also said to me(this was his step dad who adopted him at 3,his bio- POS left him and his mom) Why would God make someone a dad if they were going to leave their kids?
Also he has really took up with DH, I know its really good for him but he gets jealous if he gives his attention to any of the other kids,storming off saying nobody loves him. These are the same kids who I really think the younger boy falls under the spectrum-he has soo many red flags and I just cant bring myself to say anything to his mom,Trinitys therp said to bring him in tomorrow so she could see him to see what we should do from there.....but then thats a WHOLE nother problem.....
These are addresses for adult support groups for the entire state of Tennesses. I got this off of the American Association of Suicidolgy website:
SUPPORT GROUP FOR THE STATE OF TENNESSEE
Chattanooga
Memorial Hospital
2525 DeSales Ave.
Community Room #3
Chattanooga, TN 37402
Group Name: Suicide Survivors Support Group
Contact Person: Jimmy Powell
(423) 629-6897
Leadership Type: Peer
Meetings/Month: 1 - 1st Thursday at 7 PM
Charge: No
Newsletter: No
Chattanooga
Christ Unity Church
105 McBrien Road
Chattanooga, TN 37412
Group Name: Suicide Isn't the End (SITE)
Contact Person: Gloria Hastings
(423) 867-7384
stratcat@comcast.net
Leadership Type: Peer
Meetings/Month: 2 - 1st and 3rd Wednesdays of each month, 7 to 9 PM
Charge: No
Newsletter: Yes
Johnson City
Survivors of Suicide Support Group
Johnson City Medical Center
5th Floor Conference Room
Kingsport, TN 37664
Group Name: Tri-cities Survivors of Suicide
Contact Person: Dorothy Gregory
(423) 979-7475, option 2
Leadership Type: P/P
Meetings/Month: 1 - 4th Monday from 6-8 PM
Charge:
Newsletter:
Additional Information: Meetings held in Johnson City.
Knoxville
The Suicide Grievers Support Group
1300 Highvue Drive
Knoxville, TN 37932
Group Name: The Suicide Grievers Support Group
Contact Person: Paula J. Alexander, L.C.S.W., C.G.C.
(865) 671-9631
Leadership Type: P/P
Meetings/Month: 1 - 2nd Thursday of the month, 7:00 p.m. Call for details.
Charge: No
Newsletter: No
Year Started: 1996
Maryville
Blount Memorial Hospital Auditorium
907 Lamar Alexander Parkway
Maryville, TN 37804
Group Name: Blount County Survivors of Suicide
Contact Person: Barbara Lasater
(865) 984-4223
blaster@bmnet.com
Leadership Type: Prof
Meetings/Month: 1 - 2nd Monday of each month at 7:00 PM
Charge: No
Newsletter: No
Memphis
Baptist Trinity Center for Good Grief
1038 Oakhaven Rd.
Memphis, TN 38119
Group Name: Healing Hearts Suicide Grief Support Group
(901) 767-6767
survivorsinms@yahoo.com
Leadership Type: Peer
Meetings/Month: 1 - 3rd Thursday of each month at 6:30 PM
Charge: No
Newsletter: No
Nashville
Crisis Intervention Center, Inc.
P.O. Box 40752
Nashville, TN 37204-0752
Group Name: Survivors of Suicide Support Groups
Contact Person: Tina Benson
(615) 244-7444
Tina.Benson@fcsnashville.org
Leadership Type: P/P
Meetings/Month: 4 - Mondays from 7-8:30 PM
Charge: No
Newsletter: Yes
In addition, here is the number to call if someone is in crisis and needs to talk: 1-800-273-TALK (8255). I would bet they could get you a contact number in your area.
I would also try your local United Way Information and Referral number - they usually maintain a list of support groups. A local suicide hotline/crisis center will help as well. The AAS does not maintain a list of those on their website. I know they send one out to any accredited crisis center though (I used to work at one).
I'm glad you and the mom are getting him help - he needs it. You sound like you are doing an awesome job. It is hard to know if you are doing the right thing, but the best thing you can do is respect his wishes - if he doesn't want to talk, don't and if he seems ready to open up - encourage that. Let him have his feelings.
Let me know if there's anything I can do to help (from very far away!).
AAS is an organization dedicated to the study and prevention of suicide. We are primarily an educational and advocacy organization and do not provide counseling or other direct services to individuals.
IF YOU ARE IN CRISIS AND NEED IMMEDIATE HELP, please call 1-800-273-AAS is an organization dedicated to the study and prevention of suicide. We are primarily an educational and advocacy organization and do not provide counseling or other direct services to individuals.
IF YOU ARE IN CRISIS AND NEED IMMEDIATE HELP, please call 1-800-273-TALK (8255).